I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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