i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
