my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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