She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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