Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
