my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
