im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
