i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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