i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
