I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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