that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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