We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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