my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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