The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
