I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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