Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't trust your balls anymore.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
