I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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