Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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