hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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