Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
