all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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