pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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