Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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