one might say we're banned from that church
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
