I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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