I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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