Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
