1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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