just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
