Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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