Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
