so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
