My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
