Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
