I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
