why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
