You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Acid is not a monday night drug
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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