i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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