Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
