The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well you can't waste a boner
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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