Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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