I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
