You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
