Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
