1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
