My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
