I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
