I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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