Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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