I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
