the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
