My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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